A Fairy Tale Wedding… Scam

The day before Juneteenth 2022, John Rodosky and Laura Hars would finally get to have their fairy tale wedding in the wake of the worst of the COVID-19 pandemic. The stage was set for a perfect day, loved ones (and some wild cards) gathered in Jackson Hole, WY under the magnificent gaze of the Grand Teton. Vows were exchanged, tears were shed and a celebration for the ages would commence. But before the party began, during the ceremonial toasts, the largest scam in financial history would be revealed for the first time.

John Rodosky seemed to have the perfect life; a loving family, a beautiful fiancé and the worlds most pettable dog. But he had one fatal flaw, a brother named Daniel. Unearthing details about Daniel Rodosky’s past proved to be incredibly difficult. He is shrouded in mystery and intrigue, but our journalists were able to discover that Daniel led a respectful career in tech (as these jerk off scammers usually do) and had a chip on his shoulder. And so, Daniel would follow the path of so many nerds and begin experimenting with crypto currency. Intoxicated with the rates of return he was seeing, he would then double down and teach himself Solidity with the goal of minting his very own crypto token and making it big as a DEFI entrepreneur. But he had one seemingly impossible challenge to overcome: marketing.

Daniel knew that to make his token stand apart from the herd (even though his token was an exact copy of another token that thousands of other people copied) he needed the most brilliant marketing strategy that has ever been conceived. And then he received a call from his brother. John would ask Daniel if he had began working on his best man speech. Daniel would respond with confusion as he did not know he was giving a speech, or even that he was best man. After some exchanges, a metaphorical light bulb would light up inside Daniel and he promptly reassured John that his speech would be the greatest most incredible speech that has ever been given. John would respond hesitantly asking Daniel not to go overboard. Unfortunately for John, Daniel would go further overboard than anyone has ever gone before.

And so we return to the day of the wedding. Vows given; tears shed, food consumed. And after months of preparation, Daniel Rodosky would take the microphone for his best man speech and unveil, for the first time, his rebranded Token RODOCOIN. He masterfully captivated his audience with brilliant metaphors between crypto and marriage, explosive growth predictions and a promise to gift one million RODOCOINs to his brother and sister in law as a wedding gift. The crowd exploded in applause, many of whom said it was the greatest wedding speech they had ever witnessed. And everyone wanted to invest into RODOCOIN. But Daniel, very cleverly, held the token in a presale state. Explaining that he still had to sort out the legality of the crypto space. But was more than happy to accept his family and friends money at a presale price and promising to mint the token as soon as possible. But months went by, and memory of the speech and investments made faded into the ether. But Daniel’s hands were far from idle during this time.

You see, the wedding speech Daniel gave had one very important purpose, virality. Daniel knew that to land larger investors, he had to embed his product in the social fabric, and there is no better way to do that than to go viral on social media. And viral the video went, quickly propagating across the cryptosphere. Even attracting the attention of the biggest whale in this space, Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF). Daniel would fly to the Bahamas to pitch his vision to Bankman-Fried, sowing the seeds for the downfall of SBF’s empire.

“We were going to ask him to join our polycule before this bullshit happened.” - Sam Bankman-Fried

Sam Bankman-Fried, who is facing somewhat lesser fraud charges, invested millions of FTX customer funds into RODOCOIN’s pre sale pool after witnessing Daniel’s passion and determination. But days after Daniel departed from the Bahamas, RODOCOIN would vanish from the internet completly, along with all of the investors money estimated at 420 million dollars, 69 thousand of which he raised from his own family.

SBF spoke with one of our field correspondents following these events where he stated “Honestly, Daniel was a dear friend. We were going to ask him to join our polycule before this bullshit happened”. Bankman-Fried would later tweet that FTX would be completely solvent if it wasn’t for that “piece of shit Daniel Rodosky”, leading many to believe that Daniel was solely responsible for the devastation that the crypto markets have experienced this past year.

After the white house learned of Daniel’s role in the collapse of FTX and the crypto industry at large, president Joe Biden, had this to say. “Look, this guy, Nathaniel Rodski [Daniel Rodosky], stole two hundred and thirty two [69] trillion [thousand] dollars from his own family? Come on man!“.

Daniel Rodosky was caught on camera Friday out front of his ski chalet in Jackson Hole, WY. When probed for comment he replied “That’s business baby”.

And so our story concludes; Daniel Rodosky with a newly acquired fortune, John and Laura Rodosky with one million worthless imaginary dollars, and countless investments wiped out. It is difficult for us at GlobalNews.News to comprehend greed at this scale, but sometimes it takes stories like this to reinforce the sometimes forgotten truth that family is everything. And so I want you all to know that I love you and cant wait to see you when I see you! And Merry Christmas! Also this is a fictional story if that wasn’t completely obvious.

- GlobalNews.News CEO and Founder Nathaniel Rodski [Daniel Rodosky]

A Fairy Tale Wedding… Scam

The most trusted news source in at least a few households, we think.